As each day passes, I come to realize, in a deeper way, the difficultly of a life absorbed in Christ. It seems that no matter how much our hearts long for the intimacy found in Him, our flesh rears its ugly head with cries of dissent. Why does our flesh shun so forcibly something our heart craves so earnestly? Consequently, our daily lives become a never-ending spiritual struggle for the supremacy of our souls. Therefore we have no choice but to engage in warfare. However, this is no battle for the feeble minded-only the strong will prevail. Who will come away victorious today?
These were my thoughts as I walked the streets of Boulder, Colorado earlier this evening. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, and He did just that. I did not realize the intensity of that request upon submitting it to God. I look into the eyes of complete strangers and see them the way God intended. I see their worth and all of their potential and I am completely broken by the degree to which a vast number of those have reduced their significance. They sell themselves for what they think they are worth, which is a diminutive portion of their value to God. To make this more heart-wrenching, they are completely content with this value which they have placed on themselves, because in their reality it is the greatest of all possible appeals. The truth is, God’s love for each and every person I came in contact with far outweighs the love they displayed for themselves.
As I patrolled the streets of Boulder, searching for answers to the immense number of questions that became entangled in my mind, I began to examine my own life. The majority of the time my thought process does not lead to any conclusions, simply more thought. If I came to one conclusion tonight, it is that I am extremely complex. There are many involved details of my life that do not even make sense to me, and the many intricate components of which I speak often conflict in ways which are difficult to comprehend. I am by no means an open book. In fact, I am no ordinary book at all. You won’t find my words easy to grasp, and the pictures are often abstract and confusing. You will find yourself re-reading the same parts over and over. You will find yourself analyzing the details, searching for the clues to solve an intense mystery. And just like any mystery, it takes times.
I say all of this not to say that I am deep and wonderful and extremely thoughtful, although I am the third, but to say that sometimes being my friend is not as easy as I would like for it to be. I have not quite figured out what this looks like as far loving others fully, and allowing them to love me without having to delve into my complexities, but I am determined to never let my own complications prevent me from loving and accepting the complications of others.