There was a time in my life when I wrote letters to you every day. I did not know who you were, and I did not care. The idea of you was enough for me. I had the perfect journal. I poured my heart out to you and then I would pray for you at the end of each entry. Always patient, but highly expectant, I longed for the day when I would hand over the journal and watch as tears rolled down your face.
Full of hope and entirely fearless, I lived each day totally confident in my single life. I wanted you, but I did not need you. In my mind, you were the cherry on top of the ice cream. The ice cream is entirely delightful without the cherry, but the cherry definitely adds something extra special.
I never wanted to kiss a thousand frogs just to find my prince. I was certain that the right frog would hop along and before I could even see it in his eyes, he would see it in mine and make the decision to stand up and walk as a prince, and carry me away as his princess. I even assumed you might come in stork form, in a man-sized basket. Someday you would just show up on my doorstep and I was okay with that.
In the waiting period, I was rather content just “preparing my heart” for you.
It has been a recent thing that I have begun to question my beliefs regarding you. You see, until my recent years, the greatest heartache I ever experienced from a boy was Joel Turner reminding my fifth grade class that I peed on the floor in the second grade. I truly thought my life would not go on. I know now that if that was my only frame of reference for heartbreak, I would be doing great.
Unfortunately, it’s not.
Fortunately, God knew the pain that would come my way.
In a recent conversation with God, I cried out concerning you, my husband. I told God that I did not want you. He quickly reminded me that I do. I told him that I was afraid of you, and He reminded me that perfect love will cast out all fear. I told Him that you would have to fight hard for me. He said that was true. I told Him that I did not want to prepare my heart for you anymore and He responded, “Finally.”
I was definitely taken aback, but just began to laugh out loud. I love how God speaks to me. I definitely get my straight forward ways from my Papa. He is so faithful to call me out in the moment and do it such a way that I simply love it.
All it took was one word, literally, for me to realize that I was never meant to spend my whole life preparing my heart for you.
It’s Jesus I’m preparing for.
Why? Because you will never define me. When I walk down the aisle and you put a ring on it, I will still find my self worth in the Lord. When we are married and living as one, He will still be the one that satisfies. When we walk through good times, He will be the one I will give thanks to, and when we face trials, He will be the one who hears my cry. My heart will always be fully His and my image will always be forming to His likeness.
Don’t get me wrong, dear one. I long to be one. I count it a blessing to be pursued by you someday.
But when that day comes, my heart will still belong fully to Jesus.
This does not mean I won’t pray for you. Lord knows, I will. I’ll pray that you can handle my love for Alabama football. I’ll pray that you will not only tolerate but delight in my obnoxious laughter, and I’ll pray that you love to eat as much as I love to cook. I will pray that you love it when I tell jokes and that you think it’s cute that I love dolphins. Heck, I’ll even pray that you enjoy music just as much as I do.
I will take it a step further and pray that you are brave like Jonathan and have faith like Joshua.
But as for me, I’m praying for me.
Because it’s inevitable that as I prepare my heart for Jesus, it will be made ready for you.
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