I have found that in writing there is a tendency to always have a beautiful intro and all the right structure, which is always wonderful. However, I feel sometimes it is just as necessary to just get to the point.
The Lord, in this season of revealing truth, is shattering all realities and establishing His true reality in my life. I did not even realize that I was not walking in His true reality until I was faced with a series of difficult decisions that forced me to evaluate a number of things in my life that I simply always accepted as truth. Upon evaluating these things in order to make these decisions, I realized that for seventeen years I have placed my identity in something that is of the world.
When asked the typical “Who are you? What do you do?” series of questions, I would undoubtedly answer “I am a student.” If that wasn’t enough I would always describe, in the most detailed fashion, all that being a student entails for me. I never hesitated to claim that as who I am.
You see, I have been in school since I was just three years old. Because my parents never graduated and did not place a huge value on academics, my mom made every effort to make sure that school was of utmost importance in my life. I didn’t just go to school all those years, I loved it. I was the ultimate academic nerd. Every award that was offered at the traditional elementary school ceremonies was given to me. This pattern continued in middle school. I would literally make myself sick at the end of the school day due to worrying that I had forgotten a homework assignment. I would stand at my little half-locker and worry so much that I would eventually decide to carry every one of my books home with me, knowing that it was the same pattern as the day before and that I did not need those books. Still, I had such a career oriented mindset that I felt I had to be perfect in every way or else it just would not be good enough. By the time I was in high school I was playing violin and flute in five separate orchestras. I was taking piano lessons and working two jobs. In addition to these things, I was the president of every honor group that was available for me to join, and I was the leader of all the extra curricular activities in which I was involved. I literally woke up and kept myself busy every single day from 8:00 am until 11:00 pm. I slept for seven hours every night and rarely got quality rest. In fact, I did not know how to rest. This life.. being a student… the best student, was who I was.
Going to college did not change this. In fact, I think college offered the most pressure of all. The further I went, the more exhausted I became. I told myself I could not slow down because the fast-track career path walk that I knew was a part of me.
The Lord said, “Laura, you need to realize that your identity is not in being a student. Your identity is first and foremost in being my daughter.”
I can’t explain in words just exactly the feelings I have have experienced with this one. I have been in school for seventeen years and that is literally all I have ever known. I have no idea how to be anything other than a student. It is definitely going to be a process of leaning on the Lord and allowing Him to show me my true identity, in detail, and help me walk that out. I cannot do this on my own, and I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I do know this: He makes all things good. I will not experience anything that He will not experience with me. He teaching me new things and destroying the false realities. My false reality was the belief that school is the most important thing. He is going to reveal the true reality. I have no idea what that will be, but I know it will be wild, great, and full of Him.